What does a musician do when she fears playing music?

I love music and I say it often. When I’m work, I sit and watch some amazing musicians walk onto the stage and play. I get envious and decide that when I get home I’ll attach my silent mute to my trumpet and play for a few before bed. I get home and that doesn’t happen because I’m completely wiped out. I come home my music classes, again completely wiped out and I miss out on playing.

My girlfriend got me back into jamming. She plays the guitar and bass, and invited me over to jam. The next thing that happened was even more amazing. I got a small gig of playing at her graduation party. In light of all this, I enrolled myself into private lessons on campus next year with my Western Music professor. I’m really excited. Then they asked me to audition for the orchestra. SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!

I think that’s where I noticed my fear of going back to playing on stage. I performed so much during my Senior year of high school. I was playing 6 hours a day and I was practicing my ass off to get a scholarship into CW Post’s music department. The week of my audition, I was at work and I passed out. I was taken to the hospital and I found out I suffer from vesa vego, an everyday phenomenon that everyone experiences. It’s when the blood doesn’t get to your head quick enough, causing dizziness and sometimes blacking out. Such things involve standing up to quickly. This explained why I would stumble out of Jazz Band practice and lay down on the floor or fall into one of my friends in the hallway. When I play, the air stream and blood movement gets screwed up. I push to force air out and that slows the blood movement to my head…causing redness and yes…dots to appear before my eyes.

Also musicians suffer from extreme mood changes. While playing, it’s a natural high and it makes you feel good inside. The following day I would sink into an extreme swing of depression to the point that I was physically sick. With the vesa vego and this change in moods, I suffered throughout my playing in Senior year…but it didn’t stop me from getting into CW Post. At Post though, I traveled 4 hours and had 13 hour days. All of a sudden the depression sunk lower and I got sick. So sick that I couldn’t pick up my trumpet without getting sick.

During this period of time, I developed this fear of performing and playing. I miss playing so much, but a part of me is scared of passing out or getting sick again. I’m also afraid of the severe mood changes. But thankfully this summer I vowed to get myself back on the horse. I can’t stay scared forever, especially from something that gives me so much joy. Kate’s graduation party is my stepping stone, and from there who knows what I’ll get myself into but I’m willing and ready to see where my music takes me again.

Music as a lifestyle!

Music equals life. Music=Life. Music is life. Music is a state of life? What about music is a lifestyle? I’ve seen numerous pins and patches and stickers and tee shirts that in some sense profess that Music Equals Life. I like the idea of Music as a Lifestyle. The art of living music…not music just equaling life. I can hear random people saying if they didn’t have music, then there was no point in life. But what about the person that lives the art of music everyday? Then that person just wouldn’t have a life…or be able to live it in general. I guess what I’m trying to say is what if music wasn’t just seen as being equal to life…but as a lifestyle compared to that of a person who abstains from meat or sex for life?
There’s an art to living the music lifestyle. An art and idea that screams out to many young musicians. Honestly, anyone can make music…whether it be a sound or bang on the desk. That’s making music. A young student in 3rd grade can be forced to take Band as a class and be instructed on one particular instrument. That student can make music. But can all those people live music?
Living through music rather than professing that they equal each other is a difficult journey. It’s a never ending journey almost identical to the journey to perfection. Honestly is there such a thing as total perfection? You have to completely trust your body to the music. Sure, anyone can play music…but how many would lend their body to music completely? To go beyond the black and white dots on a piece of paper and make a story out of it? To push through the barriers of spirit and physical body?
Music as a lifestyle can get scary. Pushing the brink of physical body and spirit? Sounds something zen like. Be one with the body. Be one with life. Be one with music and music will be your life. Living through music, people can express themselves more. There would be more meaning to every little thing and feelings would be analyzed through the chords and improvised solos.
The jazz greats somehow did it. Any great musician today did it. Correction…some are still doing it today. To fully allow music to be a lifestyle rather than a hobby is an idea that excites me. The majority of the people wearing those pins, stickers, patches, shirts could live regardless if they had music. There are other simple pleasures in life. It is mainstream marketing. Music equals life…it strikes a chord in people who are looking for some artistic approach to rebellion.
Music as a lifestyle isn’t mainstream. It takes an insane amount of dedication, relaxing the body and mind, allowing the music to take over the body, tapping into primal sources inside the human body. The human body is underrated. There is so much power within all of us, so much passion and emotion power that could bring great changes. To live musically is tapping into a brand new way of human emotional expression; just imagine the rush standing in front of people listening to your music. It’s scary yet exciting. It channels the body into a new being, allowing the full connection of mind, body and spirit at the same time. Nirvana almost. So…forget music=life. Music should be a lifestyle…