What does a musician do when she fears playing music?

I love music and I say it often. When I’m work, I sit and watch some amazing musicians walk onto the stage and play. I get envious and decide that when I get home I’ll attach my silent mute to my trumpet and play for a few before bed. I get home and that doesn’t happen because I’m completely wiped out. I come home my music classes, again completely wiped out and I miss out on playing.

My girlfriend got me back into jamming. She plays the guitar and bass, and invited me over to jam. The next thing that happened was even more amazing. I got a small gig of playing at her graduation party. In light of all this, I enrolled myself into private lessons on campus next year with my Western Music professor. I’m really excited. Then they asked me to audition for the orchestra. SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!

I think that’s where I noticed my fear of going back to playing on stage. I performed so much during my Senior year of high school. I was playing 6 hours a day and I was practicing my ass off to get a scholarship into CW Post’s music department. The week of my audition, I was at work and I passed out. I was taken to the hospital and I found out I suffer from vesa vego, an everyday phenomenon that everyone experiences. It’s when the blood doesn’t get to your head quick enough, causing dizziness and sometimes blacking out. Such things involve standing up to quickly. This explained why I would stumble out of Jazz Band practice and lay down on the floor or fall into one of my friends in the hallway. When I play, the air stream and blood movement gets screwed up. I push to force air out and that slows the blood movement to my head…causing redness and yes…dots to appear before my eyes.

Also musicians suffer from extreme mood changes. While playing, it’s a natural high and it makes you feel good inside. The following day I would sink into an extreme swing of depression to the point that I was physically sick. With the vesa vego and this change in moods, I suffered throughout my playing in Senior year…but it didn’t stop me from getting into CW Post. At Post though, I traveled 4 hours and had 13 hour days. All of a sudden the depression sunk lower and I got sick. So sick that I couldn’t pick up my trumpet without getting sick.

During this period of time, I developed this fear of performing and playing. I miss playing so much, but a part of me is scared of passing out or getting sick again. I’m also afraid of the severe mood changes. But thankfully this summer I vowed to get myself back on the horse. I can’t stay scared forever, especially from something that gives me so much joy. Kate’s graduation party is my stepping stone, and from there who knows what I’ll get myself into but I’m willing and ready to see where my music takes me again.